Road Trip Philosophy - My Top Three Bad Horror Movies about Hotels

I love bad horror movies almost as much as love good ones. But these...these are so bad they are not even funny. I'm almost proud I've seen them because that means I have sat through them, which is a testament to my endurance as a film fanatic. I've written already about some absolutely great horror movies that play on the fears of hapless travelers forced to stop for the night in a strange motel room and the terrible things that tend to happen as a result. But not all movies that try and play on those fears are actually good movies. Some are just plain terrible. And not so terrible that they are funny. Just plain bad. This list is more a warning not to waste your time with these terrible films.

1. 1408

This movie was one big disappointment for me. I have stayed in a haunted hotel before and am a fan of John Cusack, so I was absolutely thrilled to go see it. What followed was one big depressing let down. The movie wasn't really about a haunted hotel, it was about a father tormented by his grief over losing his daughter. He travels to haunted hotels and motels to write about all the creepy things happening but all the while he is hoping for a sign of an afterlife and perhaps a way of contacting his deceased child. But when he stays in Room 1408, he finds himself tormented and encouraged to end his own life as the only means of escape. But it isn't scary or even particularly creative. It's just...depressing.

2. Psycho II

Why someone would make a sequel to Hitchcock's masterpiece is beyond me. Some films should just not have sequels and this is one of them. After years in a mental institution, Norman Bates returns home to the Bates Motel. But is he free from his mother? He begins to get mysterious notes from her and then a teenage boy is murdered. The film tries hard to be a suspenseful thriller and recreate the terrifying magic of the original. But it just tries too hard. Even if you manage to suspend your belief long enough to be swept up in the mystery (Who is leaving the notes for Norman? Has he once again gone insane? Or is he simply tormented by those who won't let him forget the past?) you will spend most of the time rolling your eyes and wondering why they didn't just leave the great original alone, instead of marring it with this terrible followup.

3. Vacancy

The first half of this movie isn't really a horror movie. It's a bad drama. A bickering couple on the brink of divorce after the death of a child get lost on a road trip, only worsening their snipping at each other. Honestly, it was better when I saw it in "Rachel's Wedding." (Now that was a good movie.) But when we finally get to the scary stuff - a couple trapped in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of people who like to murder hapless motel guests for sport - it doesn't really seem worth the wait. The movie isn't about the scary killers (there isn't even a real backstory to explain why any of this is happening), it is about this couple rekindling their marriage by overcoming deadly adversity. The writers probably thought this would give the movie more depth than your typical horror film, but all it really did was make me wish they would stop whining already.

Road Trip Philosophy - My Top Three Road Trip Horror Movies

I have written before about how much I love movies about road trips and about how much I love horror movies about traveling, so it only makes sense that I should make a list of five road trip horror movies that I love endlessly. Now this is a list of good horror movies, not bad horror movies. That is a list I'm saving for later.

1. Texas Chainsaw Massacre

This iconic film created one of the most enduring horror movie killers of all time - Leatherface. A group of friends are on a road trip in rural Texas, but they make some classic horror movie mistakes. First, they pick up a hitchhiker (If you didn't learn not to do that from this movie, then watch "The Hitcher" and you'll know that speeding past a sketchy man by the side of a rural road is a good idea). Then they go into a strange house with an unlocked door. Finally, they split up. These are all things you simply don't do - in real life or a horror movie. But of course, it is now too late. They are at the mercy of the murderous Leatherface and his family of cannibals. Violent and terrifying, this is a classic film and no matter how many times they make sequels and remakes - nothing will ever be as good as the original.

2. Jeepers Creepers

Two siblings are going on a road trip home from college in a classic car along a back country road. What could go wrong? Apparently a Creeper awaking from his nap to go on a killing spree can go wrong. Darry, the brother, sees the Creeper dumping a body and convinces his sister to help him investigate. What he discovers is a horrifying collection of bodies and parts. They run to get help, with the Creeper close behind. Once he decides one of the siblings has something he wants, he's not going to stop hunting them until he gets it. Complete with a psychic trying to help and police who don't seem to be able to do a thing to help, it is a thrill ride as what supposed to be a nice trip home becomes a run for their lives from the supernatural. (By the way, the sequel to this is actually pretty good. As far as horror movie sequels go.)

3. House of 1000 Corpses

This film scares me and not many do. But maybe that is just because it is set up like a road trip I would go one. Two couples set out on the road to write a book about off-beat roadside attractions (sound familiar?), but then they make the same mistake as our travelers in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" - they pick up a hitchhiker named Baby. But Baby leads them right into a trap. The couples end up at her house to celebrate her strange family's even stranger Halloween traditions. After dinner, the family puts on a Halloween show for their guests, but Baby takes things a little too far and is threatened. Mother tells the friends to leave, but as they try to do so they are attacked. What follows is a horrifying mind-trip into the frightening depravity of this sick and twisted family. This movie is definitely frightening and yet another reminder to never pick up hitchhikers - or you might end up having dinner with a family of crazies in the middle of nowhere.

Honorable Mention: Death Proof

I can't count the number of times I have seen Death Proof. The only reason I am reluctant to put in the top three is that I'm not sure it really qualifies as a "road trip" movie or even a "horror" movie. But in the spirit of thrillers like "Duel" and "Vanishing Point", this film will have you on the edge of your seat. Part of Robert Rodriquez and Quinten Tarantino's "Grindhouse" double feature, "Death Proof" is half the story of a serial killer stuntman with a car who likes to kill girls in car accidents that only he survives. But then he messes with the wrong girls who aren't about to go down easy. This film is part car-chase thriller, part twisted-psychological horror, and part girl-power. I can't recommend this movie enough, even if you only watch it to see Zoe Bell perform jaw dropping stunts while strapped to the hood of a car.

Road Trip Philosophy - My Top Three Horror Movies about Hotel Rooms

Anyone who has been on a long-distance road trip knows the feeling - you've been driving too long, it's gotten dark, you're bleary-eyed, and one more cup of coffee just won't do the trick. It's time to stop and get a hotel room for the night so you can get back on the road in the morning. You start scanning the sides of the road for a sign or maybe you wake up a passenger to look one up on a map or a GPS device. But once you find the motel, the inevitable happens - you remember that shower scene in "Psycho." Hollywood has played on the fears of late night road travelers when they are forced to stop for a night for decades. And here is my list of my top three horror movies that make me think twice about stopping for a motel room on the road (or a hotel with a haunted history).

1. Psycho

The first time I saw "Psycho" was by accident. I was at Universal Pictures Studios with my family and we were on a ride showing how some of the most famous scenes in movies were made. One was the infamous shower scene in "Psycho". My sister and I were both very young, I think I must have been about ten and she was around eight. Of course, we were promptly scarred for life after seeing that scene. For years, we were terrified about showers. It would be many, many years before I would come to love this movie and other great Hitchcock classics (I am also particularly fond of "The Man Who Knew Too Much"). But that is the enduring power of "Psycho". Young or old, this film burrows in your brain and plants a fear that stays with you the rest of your life - and makes you think twice about taking a shower in a motel.

2. Identity

A raging storm traps a group of complete strangers in a motel, but they have more to fear from the deranged killer among them then the nasty weather. As their numbers start to dwindle, they turn on each other to try and figure out who the killer is. All the while we know there is a psychotic killer being examined before he is to be executed for grisly murders in the hotel. It is a psychological thriller, complete with twists and turns that make you question who is the killer, who is real, and what exactly is going on. This film takes the traditional archetype - people trapped in a strange motel - and turns it on its head. Complete with a twist ending that will make you yell, "What just happened?!"

3. The Shining

It's not really about a motel and it's not about travelers forced to stop for the night, but you can't make a list of top horror movies involving motels or hotels and not include "The Shining"! That's some kind of sacrilege to the movie gods. Stanley Kubrick has made some of the most enduring films in cinema - from "Dr. Strangelove" to "Full Metal Jacket". But none are as truly terrifying as "The Shining". A writer takes his family to a secluded hotel for the winter so he can work as a caretaker and write. But then things start happening. Their son seems to be the only one with any real awareness of just how bad things are going to be, as the father begins to slip into madness under the influence of the hotel. It is one of the greatest horror films ever made. Scratch that. One of the greatest films ever made. "Heeeere's, Johnny!"

Road Trip Memories - The Crescent Hotel in Eureka Springs, AR

Since I shared a bit about the haunted history of the Eldridge Hotel in Lawrence on Tuesday, I thought today I would share an old roadtrip memory about my stay at the haunted Crescent Hotel in Eureka Springs, Arkansas and the paranormal experiences I had there. That's right, I really believe it is haunted because I experienced some really strange things during my two-night stay, enough to convince me that The Crescent Hotel has earned it's title of "America's Most Haunted Resort Hotel."

When I was growing up in Oklahoma, my mother and sister and I would often take weekend trips to Eureka Springs for a weekend getaway. On one such trip, my mother and I decided it would be fun to stay in The Crescent. We were both fans of all things spooky but didn't put too much stock into the reports of apparitions and strange happenings. It was with this bravado that we checked into the room next door to Room 419.

There are numerous reports of ghosts and apparitions throughout the hotel. In Room 419, there is Theodora. In 1937, a man named Baker turned The Crescent Hotel into a health resort and promised miracle cures for cancer. There being no such cure, he was ultimately found guilty of fraud. But in Room 419, there remains the ghost of one of his female patients who introduces herself as Theodora to guests and staff. (Fun Fact: The ghost of Baker is also reportedly seen in the recreation room and on the stairway of the first floor).

Within the first ten minutes of entering our room, strange things started happening. We noticed the digital clock was wrong and so changed it to the correct time. But ten minutes later, the time had changed again. We corrected it several times before we really began to think about it. A clock that was changing the time by itself? Then came the television. It would turn on and off by itself, suddenly change channel, or just start showing static. For anyone who has ever seen the movie "Poltergeist", this was particularly freaky. The there was the flickering lights. They didn't turn on and off, just flickered oddly every once in a while. But still, my mother and I aren't ones to go screaming into the night because of a few electrical problems. We just made jokes about ghosts and let it go.

Until the next morning. I woke up in incredible pain. I was having stomach cramps like nothing I'd ever felt in my life. I remember lying in bed, curled into a little ball and clutching my stomach, with tears running down my face just moaning and begging for it to stop. While I was too distracted by pain to think about a cause, my mother decided she had had enough. She didn't know if there was a connection between the creepy room and my pain, but it wasn't worth the risk. She called the front desk and asked for a different room, explaining the strange things that were happening. The front desk didn't even question it. Apparently, it was not uncommon for guests staying in rooms near the haunted Room 419 to have problems and so we were immediately escorted to a new room in a part of the hotel that was supposedly less overrun with paranormal activity.

And over the next couple hours, my pain subsided. I don't know if it was being so close to that haunted room or if had anything to do with our odd clock, lights, and television. But it was spooky. My mother and I decided that we would stay one more night in our new room, then never stay in that hotel again. Sure, I love ghost tours and supernatural stories. But I don't have even the slightest desire to get that close to the paranormal again.

Photo Source

The Eldridge Hotel - Lawrence, KS

Few sites in Kansas can claim the spirit and endurance of the Eldridge Hotel. It has been at the center of two major conflicts in Lawrence - the fight between the Free State men and pro-slavery forces as well as Quantrill's raid. But through it all, The Eldridge Hotel still stands and offers the best in luxurious accommodations.

The original hotel was built in 1855 as the Free State Hotel. The name is particularly meaningful. It was called the Free State because the early settlers were determined that Kansas should enter the union in the Free State and it served as the headquarters of the Free State men.

But in 1856, the hotel was attacked and burned down Sheriff Jones and his posse of pro-slavery men (the same group that burned down Liberty Hall). But true to Lawrence spirit, it did not remain rubble for long. In 1857, Colonel Eldridge rebuilt the hotel with his brothers and swore they would rebuild it again if it were re-attacked. Colonel Eldridge must have had a premonition because the hotel was attacked and burned down again, this time by Quantrill's raid. In that infamously brutal raid, Quantrill and his band left Lawrence in ruins and killed 180 men and boys. In a mere four hours, they had decimated the city.

Quantrill and his men stomped the city but not the heart of Lawrence. The city adopted the motto, "From Ashes to Immortality," and set about rebuilding. Colonel Eldridge reopened The Hotel Eldridge in 1865. Over the years it has been through numerous renovations. Most recently, a group of investors with support of the city of Lawrence rebuilt the top four floors and restored the lobby in 1985.

In addition to its history, The Eldridge Hotel is also haunted. There have been numerous reports of ghostly activity on the fifth floor, including reports of elevators opening and closing on their own as well as people seeing apparitions. Room 506 is the primary source of these spooky reports. Supposedly, people have seen breath marks on recently cleaned mirrors, doors opening and closing, and even lights turning on and off by themselves.

If you need somewhere to stay in Lawrence and appreciate the rich history and endurance of the town (as well as enjoy a bit of luxury in your accommodations), then book a room at the Eldridge Hotel. Or at least stop by to see just how beautiful the hotel can be from ashes to immortality.

Total Time Traveled: 10 minutes

Total Distance Traveled: 6 miles

Soundtrack: "Fever to Tell" Yeah Yeah Yeah's

The Beast (The Largest Haunted House in the US) - Kansas City, MO

It's been years since I've been to a haunted house, but this Halloween my friend John and I decided to go to The Beast in Kansas City, the largest haunted house in the United States. That's right, the largest haunted house in the United States! And at five stories tall, that's not a surprising title. It is an elaborate maze through various scenes from the haunted Bayou, to the haunted English castle, to the serial killer's torture chamber - you wind through the dark and the fog until you have absolutely no idea where you are and how you got there. Then, you exit through a four story slide! (Which is why I don't recommend wearing a dress like I did - you will end up with your skirt over your head at the bottom.)

It wasn't too hard to find the haunted house or parking (if you don't mind paying for parking). We decided to drive there but there are regular pickups throughout town for those who don't want to drive downtown. We bought our tickets in advance, which I recommend doing. The line to buy tickets and get in was insanely long but the ticket line wasn't too bad. You can pay extra for a line jumper ticket, but I didn't really see the point in it. Unless you get there really late on a busy night, it's not really necessary.

I absolutely loved The Beast! The dark maze is disorienting in the best possible way. Some rooms are identically decorated so you have no idea if you've been there before - whether you are going up or down or in circles. It really creates a suspended sense of reality. The main scares are the surprises - sudden bursts of air, things popping out of walls or dropping from the ceiling, and of course the costumed employees suddenly appearing out of nowhere. There are plenty of high tech elements - a ghost king dancing, animatronic skeletons that leap out of coffins. I learned my friend John screams like a little girl and clings to me when an animatronic demon drops from the ceiling amid strobe lights and recorded shrieks. (Although I screamed like a little girl, too, so who am I to judge?)

The only downside to this amazing haunted house were the other patrons. The maze had very tiny hallways and there were way too many people inside. At several points it was like being cattle trapped in a chute to the slaughter, we were pressed against each other without hope of moving and at several points I had difficulty breathing in the cramped space. Overall, most customers dealt with this well by making jokes (mostly about being cattle), but a few people decided to blame everyone around them for the inconvenience. One man turned to me and got angry that I was somehow interfering with his group of friends. John and I were both a little shocked that he would be nasty and rude to a complete stranger, but I suppose some people are just unpleasant (Like me, because I hope he tore his pants on the way down the slide).

And, of course, there were the unsupervised children. I don't know what parents think it is a good idea to send eight and nine year olds into a dark haunted house at 10 o'clock at night without a parent but apparently there are many of them. The children enjoyed taunting people working in the haunted house and even trying to grab some of the props. I had an overwhelming urge on several occasions to turn into my mother and lecture them about respect for others. But instead, I suppressed my annoyance and focused on enjoying myself. I particularly enjoyed seeing a man in a serial killer costume chase one of the annoying little brats with a metal bar.

If you are looking for a road trip destination with a good scare, I really recommend making the trip to Kansas City for The Beast. Think about it - a good scare, a four-story slide, and you get to say you have visited the largest haunted house in the United States. You can't lose!

Total Trip Time: 3 hours

Total Distance Traveled: 40 miles

Soundtrack: "The Warrior Code" Dropkick Murphys

Road Trip Memories - Why I Used to Be Scared of Haunted Houses

It's been a long time since I have been to a haunted house, so I was thrilled when my friend John agreed to go with me to The Beast and the Edge of Hell in Kansas City on Halloween weekend. But to explain why this is such an awesome trip, I feel I should explain why I haven't been to a haunted house in years.

When I was about 13 or 14, I was supposed to go to a Halloween party at my friend Sarah's house where she told me we would be watching "Halloween." Not wanting to be the one girl who got scared, I decided to watch it the night before. Alone. At night. It was not the smartest idea. Needless to say, it scared the poo out of me and I didn't sleep or turn out the lights all night.

The next night, we went to Allen Ranch in Oklahoma for a haunted hay ride and haunted house before going back to my friend Sarah's house to watch scary movies. I was a little jumpy (okay, I was very jumpy) on the haunted hay ride but ended up having a great time! It was just the right combination of cheesy werewolves and creepy Jason Vorhees with fake chainsaws to make us jump out of our skins and laugh at the same time.

But then we got to the haunted house and things went terribly wrong. There were five of us and we were having a great time, screaming whenever someone leaped out at us and laughing at how easily we had been scared by a guy in a mask. Then we came to a hallway with, you guessed it, Mike Meyers standing in the middle. I was absolutely terrified. At first we thought he was a mannequin but then we saw him tighten his grip on the knife. It's hard to explain just how scared I was. For the last twenty-four hours I had been gripped by a young girl's fear of the masked killer in Halloween. Now he was standing in front of me and the only way out was to run past him. We counted to five and took off.

He chased us. That (insert litany of descriptive swear words here) jerk chased us.

I was officially losing my mind when not only did he chase us, he cornered my friend Jackie and I. Jackie pushed me in front of her and so there I was, screaming and crying, face to face with a masked slasher who seemed to come out of a movie just to torture me. As he stood over me, wielding a knife, I forgot I was in a haunted house. My brain switched into survivor mode and I went from thinking I was a scared little girl in a haunted house to genuinely believing I was a slasher movie heroine who wasn't going to be taken down that easily.

And so I kicked him in the groin. Hard.

I kicked that masked man as hard as I could and took off running (For a cartoon illustration of what this might have looked like, check out R.K. Milholland's Something Positive.) I took out a styrofoam wall and collapsed on the cold dirt as soon as I was outside in a shaking mess to tears and snot. It was a truly pathetic sight. The people who ran the haunted house called my mother to complain about me, when she pointed out that I was a young girl who just had been cornered in the dark by a man with a weapon. She said if they didn't want me to defend myself, then they shouldn't have let a masked man trap me. They thought about it and had to let me off with a warning.

Needless to say, it would be many years before I returned to a haunted house. But I'm happy to say, I went to the Kansas City haunted houses this year and loved them! So stay tuned because next week I'll tell you about my trip to The Beast in Kansas City, the largest haunted house in the United States!

International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Festival 2010 - Tempe, AZ

It was gall break and definitely needed some time away from law school. And what better way then two days of horror movies? So I called up my best friend and traveling companion, Anna, and we booked our flights. We spent two days at the International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Festival watching some great films and even got to meet the director of one of the films (The picture below is us with Matt Rogers, the director of Snuff). Below are the films we saw:

Horror Shorts A: This collection of short horror films included "Rise of the Appliance" (great for watching someone be attacked by grill), "Nice Guys Finish Dead" (what happens when a slasher falls in love with one of the campers), "MutantLand" (amazing animation and very creepy), "Abra Cadaver" (a failed magician tries to use women to complete his tricks, until one teaches him a lesson), "Zombie Monologues" (a new zombie critiques the zombie apocolypse to a journalist and his cameraman), "Recollection" (a man wakes up in the middle of a serial killer's spree, but doesn't know who he is), and "The Furred Man" (a man explains to police why he is wearing a furry costume and covered in blood).

El Monstro Del Mar: This was by far my favorite film of the entire festival! It is the absolute best in exploitation monster movies. Three gorgeous but deadly hired killers, Beretta, Blondie and Snowball, hole up in a small beach-side community to keep a low profile. But this town has a dark secret. The local old sea baron, Joseph, tries desperately to warn them to never go into the water. But these crazy vixens listen to no one, especially no crazy ass old fool. So the Kraken awakes! Now, along with Joseph and his beautiful grand daughter, Hannah, they must fight for their lives against this furious creature of the deep as the sea rises in a tidal wave of blood.

Snuff: A young director sets out with his friend and ex-girlfriend to make a documentary about pornography. They meet Alyssa, a young girl about to make her first porn. Despite tension and fighting among the crew, they set out to follow her into her new career as a porn star. But then Alyssa goes missing and the crew fears she may have fallen victim to a snuff film producer. Can they save her or will they die in the process? This movie was great and I also had a great time talking with Matt Rogers, the director. (Fun Fact: The "porn actresses" they interview are actually a local roller derby team.)

Ave Maria: When an aspiring filmmaker discovers his fiance is cheating on him with his best friend, he decides they have to die. To avoid being caught, he will kill other people to make it look like they were part of a fictional serial killer's spree. But even after he kills his fiance, the desire to kill remains. He embarks on making the first "crimentery" about his murders, but the police are starting to catch on. This was a good movie with an awesome twist ending, but the main character sounded like he was doing an impression of Hannibal Lecter throughout the whole movie. It was a great story with great cinematography, but the all the "Silence of the Lambs" influence took away from it.

Kansas City Zombie Walk for Hunger - Kansas City, MO

The Kansas City Zombie Walk is a biannual charity event for the Kansas City Metropolitan Community who suffer from hunger or homelessness. Local weirdos (like myself) dress up as zombies and donate canned food, clothing and other items to participate in the walk. We all gather, donate our items and then follow a rubber brain on a stick around the Plaza while shocked and amused patrons look on. It's a great time!

For those who enjoy looking like a zombie, I made myself look undead with flour paste (just flour and water) that I painted with grease paint and fake blood. That's why my face looks so...well...zombie-like? For the more adventurous, Bess has a great zombie makeup tutorial on The Unplanned Misadventures of MirMir and Bess so be sure to check it out!

Total Time Traveled: 3 hours

Total Distance Traveled: 90 miles

Soundtrack: "Sometimes I Wonder About You" Playlist

Road Trip Music - "Sometimes I Wonder About You" Playlist

It's officially October, my favorite time of year! The weather starts getting cooler and crisper, the leaves start changing, and it is the one month I can dress up like a zombie and nobody looks at me funny. That's right. I dress up like a zombie. Next week, I'll be posting about my trips to local Zombie Walks in Lawrence and in Kansas City. And soon I'll be posting about my trip with my favorite tourist-ing partner Anna to Tempe, Arizona for the International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Fest. So in preparation for a month of creepy road-trips, I thought I would share a creepy music playlist.

There is a story behind this playlist's name. If the fact I dress up like a zombie didn't clue you in, I'll say it now: I'm weird. I love horror movies, ghost stories, and all things slightly creepy. This has a tendency to disturb my family. One day, I was at my parents house, reading on the couch. My father came in and asked what I was reading. I showed him my book, "Stiff: The Fascinating Lives of Human Cadavers." My father stared at me for a moment before finally saying, "Sometimes I wonder about you." Then he walked away.

So I have made the "Sometimes I Wonder About You" Playlist, a soundtrack to all my creepy roadtrip adventures this month. It includes songs about mayhem, murder, zombies, and just plain freaky stuff. Because this is a rather...um, creepy?...playlist, I do not recommend it for anyone under the age of 18 and I definitely do not recommend it for anyone without a morbid sense of humor. That being said, enjoy!

"Sometimes I Wonder About You" Playlist

1. "Walk Like a Zombie" HorrorPops

2. "Devil with the Black Dress On" Jack Off Jill

3. "Missfit" HorrorPops

4. "Super Sadist" Jack Off Jill

5. "Highway55" HorrorPops

6. "In Old Yellowcake" Rasputina

7. "Hitchcock Starlet" HorrorPops

8. "The Curse of Millhaven" Nick Cave

9. "Rumbrave" Murder by Death

10. "Jack Killed Mom" Jenny Lewis

11. "Killbot2000" Murder by Death

12. "Psycho Therapy" The Ramones

13. "Eet The Children" Otep

14. "Prison Song" System of a Down

15. "Sacrilege" Otep

16. "I Wish You's Die" Betty Blowtorch

17. "T.R.I.C." Otep

18. "Mis Ann Thrope" My Ruin

19. "Menocide" Otep

20. "The Crimson" Atreyu

21. "That Crown Don't Make You a Prince" Murder By Death

22. "'O'Malley's Bar" Nick Cave

23. "'52 Ford" Murder By Death

24. "Holloway Jail" The Kinks

25. "Crazy People" The Wreckers

26. "Henry Lee" Nick Cave

27. "Down in the Willow Garden" Kristin Hersh

28. "Death is Not the End" Nick Cave

National Museum of Funeral History - Houston, TX

One of the many reasons I love visiting my friend Anna is that she has always planned a visit to somewhere interesting and just plain weird. In Chicago, we tried to visit the International Museum of Surgical Science but that plan was derailed by the fact there is no parking in the city. Her plan for Texas, however, was brilliant and came to full fruition with our visit to the National Museum of Funeral History. Anna and I share a morbid sense of humor, so this was a treat for both of us.

The National Museum of Funeral History has little to do with death or any of the gory details. It is more about funeral business. The first exhibit is about carriage hearses. Interestingly, they don't mention much about the person who would have been carried in the carriage. It is about the vehicle itself - how it was constructed, the materials used and the time period that influenced the design. The same follows with coffins. Mostly, they about how they were constructed (there is a 1900's coffin factory display) and what influenced different designs. There is, of course, the occasional gruesome story. One coffin was constructed to fit three people - it was commissioned by a couple after their child had died. They planned for him to kill her and then himself and then be buried with their child. They never followed through with their horrifying murder/suicide pact and the coffin is now on display in the museum.

Not all the coffins are simple or gruesome. Some are extravagant like a coffin with real dollar bills and coins in it. In this case, I guess he can take it with him. There are also the whimsical coffins from the "A Life Well Lived: Fantasy Coffins- Kane Quaye" exhibit. Ghanaian sculptor Quaye created coffins to symbolize aspects of the deceased's life. It includes twelve coffins carved to look like a KLM Airliner, a Mercedes Benz, a Fish, a Fishing Canoe, a Leopard, a Chicken, a Bull, a Crab, a fish Eagle, a Lobster, a Shallot, and a Yamaha Outboard Motor.

Other exhibits are devoted to the funerals of the famous. In one area is an exhibit for Presidential funerals. It displays small keepsakes from the historical occasions. Most of these are items specifically for the occasions such as programs from the memorial service, mourning ribbons and newspaper article about the event. There are also personal items from attendees such as the boots worn by a member of the armed guard at the funeral. But like the coffins, there is also the occasional gruesome tidbit - like a piece of scalp taken from Abraham Lincoln's head after he'd been shot.

One of the largest exhibits is "Celebrating the Lives and Deaths of the Popes." The papal exhibit includes a full-scale replica of Pope John Paul II's crypt, an exact reproduction of the coffin used in the funerals of three previous Popes as well as replicas of other Papal vestments. As a result of my good Catholic education, I already knew most of these traditions. But I was thrilled to see something I've never seen before - a Popemobile! Oh I'd seen it on television and seen pictures of it in books, but never had I seen real live Popemobile. For those unmarred by a Catholic school education, the Popemobile is a white Range Rover with a plexiglass case on the back where the Pope stands and waves to people.

There are smaller exhibits describing ancient and current funeral rituals from other cultures, such as Mexico's Day of the Dead and Egypt's mummies. But I was quickly distracted by exhibits on embalming. After reading Mary Roach's "Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers," I got curious about embalming. (Really Weird Fact: The Father of Embalming, Dr. Thomas Holmes, went insane in his later years and lived with parts of cadavers he had embalmed - such as heads on tables in the living room.)

Embalming gained notoriety during the Civil War when 10,000 to 40,000 soldiers were embalmed so they could be transported home for burial. The process has developed and improved over time, often by accident. In nineteenth century Paris, a well-known man died and was embalmed before burial. Later the police suspected he might have been murdered and dug him to re-examine the body. They found arsenic in the body and charged the man's mistress with murder. The embalmer, Dr. Gannal, came forward and revealed arsenic was a component in his embalming fluid so the woman could not be found guilty on that evidence. As a result, Europe outlawed the use of arsenic in embalming fluid in the 1840's. The United States followed suit in the 1870's.

It is was a weird, morbid and educational museum. I left feeling oddly upbeat - like the museum's slogan says, "Any Day Above Ground is a Good One."

Total Travel Distance: 80 miles
Total Trip Time: 3 hours
Soundtrack: You guessed it - Country radio!

Three Awesomely Bad Horror Movies about Airplanes

All good things must come to an end and so I eventually had to leave Chicago and my wonderful friend Anna. But then about three days later I was back on a plane at Kansas City International Airport heading towards Houston, Texas.

While Anna and I became friends in Oklahoma almost a decade ago, we have been scattered to the wind. My family has re-located and so has hers. Now her parents reside in Katy, Texas and I was thrilled to be visiting them. Anna and I prepared a list of absurd museums and roadside attractions to visit along with our usual get-together activities: pedicures and horror movies.

So in honor of our tradition, I thought I'd share a list of my three favorite awesomely bad horror films involving road trips. Then I realized that topic was way, way too broad. How do you really narrow that down with so many amazingly terrible movies to choose from? So I narrowed it down a little more - my favorite three awesomely bad horror movies about airplanes.

1. Red Eye

I'll pretty much watch anything that has Cilian Murphy in it. Whether he's wearing a dress in Breakfast on Pluto or a bag over his head in Batman Begins, Murphy is a good actor and a joy to watch. Murphy plays Jackson Rippner who is threatening to kill the father of Lisa Reisert (played by Rachel McAdams) unless she helps him set up a political assassination. For most of the movie, she tries to find clever ways to escape him and get help while the devious Rippner tries to keep his control. My favorite awesomely bad part of this movie is Reisert's choice of weapons. Like when they are in a house and she runs through a kitchen full of knives to grab her field hockey stick. Or on the plane when she gives him a ball point pen tracheotomy (similar to the one seen in Saw V).

2. Final Destination

When it comes to awesomely bad horror movies, the Final Destination series is among the best. The first film is about Death stalking survivors of a plane crash, the second is about Death stalking survivors of a car crash and the third is about Death stalking survivors of a roller coaster crash. Noticing a trend here? I think the entire purpose of this film is just to see how sickly creative horror writers can get. Like they are sitting around a room, getting drunk and saying to each other, "How many ways can we behead a guy?" And as they pass around the bottle, a Final Destination film is written. Whatever mental illness or amount of alcohol it took to create these films, I am so glad they exist. Because they are just terrible and the ways people are die are absolutely bizarre. But that's what makes them awesomely bad and so much fun to watch!

3. Snakes on a Plane

This horror/thriller/comedy and all-around bad movie was re-written and re-shot to incorporate the comments of the film's Internet fanbase before it was released. And therefore this film is the ultimate warning of why you should never take anything said on the Internet seriously. Personally, I think this movie was made just so Samuel L. Jackson could say, "I'm sick of these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane!" And that was the only thing that made it worth watching. And the scene about sporks. That was pretty awesome, too.


These three films are my personal favorite awesomely bad horror movies about airplanes. But there are hundreds of other great awesomely bad horror films you can add to this list. Some involving airplanes and some not. Some awesomely bad, some intentionally awesomely bad (like Dusk til Dawn) and some awesomely good (like Psycho). Go ahead, post your list. I'd love to see them!

Total Travel Distance: 1,290 miles (From Chicago to Kansas City, then Kansas City to Katy)

Haunted Waggener House - Atchison, KS

In addition to being the birthplace of Amelia Earhart, Atchison is also the most haunted town in Kansas. I drove through town to see some of the notable dark destinations.

One of the haunted houses is the Waggener House. The house was built in the late 1800's by local politician B.P. Waggener. Local legend says Waggener sold his soul to the devil for money and power. The stately home seems a testement to his fortune and so perhaps is a testement to his pact with the devil as well.

Around the house on the roof are gargoyles. At the apex of the house is one of the gargoyles - an angular, red demon looking like it is about to take off in flight. The gargoyles are part of the house's ghostly curse. A later owner was trying to remove some of them from the house when he fell to his death.

The Waggener House, like many of the haunted destinations in Atchison, is private property and not available for public viewing. I was able to observe the murderous gargoyles from the outside, but stayed on the street so I didn't bother whoever lives in the cursed home. Luckily for curious little ol' me, the city offers numerous tours throughout the year. I hope to go back to get a closer took at some of the haunted houses.

If you want to find a haunted house or site of paranormal activity near you, I suggest you check out Dark Destinations, a travel guide to all the mysterious and ghostly locations around the world.

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