Road Trip Philosophy – Weighing in on the TSA Debate

“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.” – Ben Franklin

The new TSA regulations on pat downs and advanced imaging in airports has many people upset. And I understand why. Although I prefer to drive whenever possible (obviously because this is a road trip blog), I am often forced to fly when time constraints prevent me from taking the time to drive long distances. So I am naturally concerned about these new regulations.

In my opinion, the TSA has gone too far. With the old pat down procedures, agents ran the back of their hands along the passenger’s body. I didn’t enjoy the pat down, but I understood it. I have issues with personal space. I don’t like being touched by strangers. Heck, I don’t even like sitting too close to people I don’t know on a plane or subway car. So while the old pat down procedures made me uncomfortable, I was willing to go through it because I knew it was as minimally invasive as possible and served an important purpose.

But the new pat down procedures take it too far. Now TSA agents rub and grope passengers with open palms. Already there have been complaints of people with medical ailments being humiliated in front of other passengers in the name of security. A bladder cancer survivor who wears a bag that collects his urine said a TSA punctured the bag during an aggressive pat down and left him covered in his own urine. A breast cancer survivor was forced to show her prosthetic breast during a pat down, after the agent had grabbed it with her hand.

This isn’t protecting anyone. The TSA says the pat downs are for security from terrorism. But then why is the TSA terrorizing us? Why is it humiliating passengers, violating them physically and psychologically? I believe I have the right to physically safety when traveling – whether it is from a terrorist or a TSA agent. I don’t believe I should have to give up my right to safety from one to be protected from the other.

The alternative to the pat down is to go through a full body scanner, but that isn’t much better. Rather than being groped, poked and prodded, you walk through what is basically a large X-ray machine and allow the TSA agents to view your naked body. That is something I am just not okay with. Call me a prude, but I don’t like flashing my genitals to strangers. What’s worse is that the TSA or other federal agencies might be saving these images. That means the government could have nude pictures of me and my private parts on file. The very thought of that makes me nauseous.

Honestly, the new pat down procedures and the full body scanners make me afraid to fly. I am more afraid of being violated by TSA regulations that will expose me and violate me than of any other security threat.

But I’m not sure what I can do about it. Sometimes, I need to fly because driving isn’t possible. I can only hope that enough complaints will force the TSA to reevaluate how it violates passengers.

The Basket Dance Sculpture - Albuquerque, NM

While still stuck in the Albuquerque airport, I decided to walk outside for some fresh air and a cigarette. Sure, I would have to go through security again but I really needed to get away from the crowds of sweaty and irritated travelers (that and I really needed a cigarette). But while I was outside enjoying the fresh air (and my sweet, sweet nicotine), I saw a beautiful bronze sculpture called "The Basket Dance."

The sculpture was created by Glenna Goodacre, an artist most known for designing the Vietnam Women's Memorial in Washington D.C. and the Sacagawea dollar the US put into circulation in 2000. (Fun Fact: Goodacre's daughter was a Victoria Secret model and is the wife of Henry Connick, Jr.)

Though a native Texan, Goodacre has lived in New Mexico since 1983, so it seems fitting her artwork would have a prominent place at many people's first introduction to her adopted state. Though "The Basket Dance" is not her most famous work, it is certainly interesting and honors the Native American tradition so prominent in New Mexico. The Basket Dance is an annual Hopi tradition celebrating the end of harvest where anything extra was re-distributed to help everyone make it through the tough winters. It is a beautiful work of art and definitely a great introduction to New Mexico for those making their first visit. Or for me, trying to forget how long I've been stuck in an airport.

The 1914 Ingram/Foster Biplane - Albuquerque, NM

On my way home from Arizona, I got stuck in the Albuquerque, New Mexico airport for about three hours. But it turns out the Albuquerque airport isn't that bad a place to be stuck. There are tons of historical exhibits and artwork for the stranded traveler to enjoy, like the 1914 Ingram/Foster Biplane

(By the way, I asked security before I took this picture. I don't recommend taking unauthorized pictures in airports unless you want to get tackled by TSA).

According to the Albuquerque Museum: "While on a business trip to Dallas, Jay Ingram, a Ford dealer from Decatur, Texas, met Charles A. Foster, an exchibition flier. Foster's flying stories spaarked Ingram's imagination, and the two men struck a deal. Foster would come to Decatur, build aeroplanes, and together they would from the Pioneer Aeroplane Exhibition Company."

"In six months, Foster built a copy of a Curtiss pusher that was sturdy enough for limited aerobatics. The wheels, tires and many fittings were purchased from mail order aeroplane supply houses. The ribs, interplane struts and wing sections were custom-made from raw lumber. The wings were covered with cotton or linen fabric and painted with a varnish made from cellulose dissolved in ether. The eight-cylinder Roberts engine was rated at 100 horsepower."

I don't know enough about aviation or airplanes to be appropriately impressed. But I do know enough to think it was a very cool looking biplane and its was fascinating to learn a little bit about aviation history while waiting for my modern flying tin can to finally show up.

Three Awesomely Bad Horror Movies about Airplanes

All good things must come to an end and so I eventually had to leave Chicago and my wonderful friend Anna. But then about three days later I was back on a plane at Kansas City International Airport heading towards Houston, Texas.

While Anna and I became friends in Oklahoma almost a decade ago, we have been scattered to the wind. My family has re-located and so has hers. Now her parents reside in Katy, Texas and I was thrilled to be visiting them. Anna and I prepared a list of absurd museums and roadside attractions to visit along with our usual get-together activities: pedicures and horror movies.

So in honor of our tradition, I thought I'd share a list of my three favorite awesomely bad horror films involving road trips. Then I realized that topic was way, way too broad. How do you really narrow that down with so many amazingly terrible movies to choose from? So I narrowed it down a little more - my favorite three awesomely bad horror movies about airplanes.

1. Red Eye

I'll pretty much watch anything that has Cilian Murphy in it. Whether he's wearing a dress in Breakfast on Pluto or a bag over his head in Batman Begins, Murphy is a good actor and a joy to watch. Murphy plays Jackson Rippner who is threatening to kill the father of Lisa Reisert (played by Rachel McAdams) unless she helps him set up a political assassination. For most of the movie, she tries to find clever ways to escape him and get help while the devious Rippner tries to keep his control. My favorite awesomely bad part of this movie is Reisert's choice of weapons. Like when they are in a house and she runs through a kitchen full of knives to grab her field hockey stick. Or on the plane when she gives him a ball point pen tracheotomy (similar to the one seen in Saw V).

2. Final Destination

When it comes to awesomely bad horror movies, the Final Destination series is among the best. The first film is about Death stalking survivors of a plane crash, the second is about Death stalking survivors of a car crash and the third is about Death stalking survivors of a roller coaster crash. Noticing a trend here? I think the entire purpose of this film is just to see how sickly creative horror writers can get. Like they are sitting around a room, getting drunk and saying to each other, "How many ways can we behead a guy?" And as they pass around the bottle, a Final Destination film is written. Whatever mental illness or amount of alcohol it took to create these films, I am so glad they exist. Because they are just terrible and the ways people are die are absolutely bizarre. But that's what makes them awesomely bad and so much fun to watch!

3. Snakes on a Plane

This horror/thriller/comedy and all-around bad movie was re-written and re-shot to incorporate the comments of the film's Internet fanbase before it was released. And therefore this film is the ultimate warning of why you should never take anything said on the Internet seriously. Personally, I think this movie was made just so Samuel L. Jackson could say, "I'm sick of these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane!" And that was the only thing that made it worth watching. And the scene about sporks. That was pretty awesome, too.


These three films are my personal favorite awesomely bad horror movies about airplanes. But there are hundreds of other great awesomely bad horror films you can add to this list. Some involving airplanes and some not. Some awesomely bad, some intentionally awesomely bad (like Dusk til Dawn) and some awesomely good (like Psycho). Go ahead, post your list. I'd love to see them!

Total Travel Distance: 1,290 miles (From Chicago to Kansas City, then Kansas City to Katy)

Chicago Midway International Airport - Chicago, IL

Friday, I boarded a direct flight from Kansas City International Airport to Midway Airport in Chicago at 5pm. I arrived almost five hours later. Why, you ask? How did a flight that shouldn't take more than an hour last that long?

At first everything seemed normal. I was settled in with my seat belt fastened, my tray in its upright and locked position. I was enthusiastically reading my copy of Dave Egger's "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius," which I am happy to say is heartbreaking, very funny and quite possibly genius (though I don't think it has been such a work of genius that I have staggered.) Then suddenly, the captain announced we were landed in St. Louis. I checked the time and it was 6:20pm. Yes, we should be landing right about now. But not in St. Louis. Why the hell are we in St. Louis.

People began frantically calling their loved one's from the airstrip to report this strange turn of events. But we had no answers. We were told the plane was refueling. But what does that mean? Is there something wrong with the plane? How could we run out of fuel? Why the HELL are we in St. Louis? Luckily, the very kind people at Southwest Airlines let us off the plane to get food. Well, other people got food. I quickly found the airport smoking lounge and began filling my lungs with that sweet, sweet nicotine as quickly as possible.

I made friends with some fellow wayward travelers and found some answers. Apparently, bad weather in Chicago had diverted a number of flights to this airport. I was among the lucky ones who were not missing their connecting flights. I met a speech therapist who was flying to Chicago to help plan a pregnant friend's baby shower. She had only moved to Kansas City a little while ago, to join her boyfriend after four months of long distance courtship. I met the head nurse of a hospital who was going to Chicago to see her daughter who had a futures trading internship. I met a couple who had been enjoying their in-flight drinks a little too much and had since decided they didn't care how long they were stranded in the airport as long as they could buy more liquor.

Then came that joyous announcement - our plane was reboarding! We had been cleared for takeoff! We were finally going to make it to Chicago! When I finally landed in Midway, I checked the time. Given when I had left my house to go to KCI and the time I landed in Chicago, it had taken me a little over seven hours. To drive to Chicago, would have taken eight and a half. So I'm not sure whether I made the best travel arrangements, but I did enjoy the opportunity to sit quietly and enjoy Dave Eggers.

Total Trip Time: 7 hours (including drive to the airport)
Total Distance Traveled: 500 miles
Soundtrack: "I Wanna Be Sedated" The Ramones